.. my rant ..

alright here we go. before i start this i want everyone who reads this to know.. a. i don't mean to offend anyone, if you get offended it was not meant to be that way. b. i am not fishing for compliments or suggestions, i just want to get it out. c. hopefully this post will not only help me but maybe you?

lately i have been really thinking about my weight, body shape, body type, workouts, diet and etc. i am a typical girl, who compares herself to every other girl i see. such as, 'that girl is so pretty and skinny, i want to be her', ' i wish my hair would look like that', 'how on earth can i look like that'... i think it might qualify as a disease. if that was the case we would have a major epidemic on our hands. i suffered in high school with anorexia. i fought my body a lot. i didn't fit in to what i believe the standards are. i worked hard at that and just decided to be alright with who i am. which for the most part to this day i am. since graduating high school my body has been on a roller coaster. i was pretty fit my freshman and sophmore years, i actually lost weight instead of gaining the freshman 15. then i moved home. i started to have access to foods, sugary foods fatty foods all sorts of yucky foods all the time. i started to pack it on. the day i got married i was at my all time heaviest. sad but true. this is why, i don't ever post pictures of my wedding day. i don't like to look at myself. after cody and i moved into our own place i found myself eating much healthier. i didn't have bags of candies or sodas at our apartment, quite frankly they are too expensive and not worth the money when i could use it else where. i started to drop the pounds. then i was diagnosed with food allergies, and lost 30. it was great, in a weight loss perspective, really sucky in a eating one. after a year and a half on our own we moved in with my parents to explore a job opportunity and it has since turned into a 3 year stint. it was never in the cards to live here this long, just between school and losing jobs it was too much to afford normal rent and my parents were willing to work with us. well, if you can see the trend.. i was back around sugary yucky foods and sodas. and walah. i started packing it back on. sadly. a great fear of mine has always been that i will be huge like an elephant and the person that everyone stares at. i NEVER want to be that. so about a year ago i made the choice to start working out on a regular basis and watch somewhat what i eat. i got a trainer, actually 3 (not all at once), and have renewed my efforts to try.

i can tell a difference in my body, i feel good i am less stressed and way happier. i like working out now. one thing that has always been a struggle for me is the diet part. i work 40 hours a week and between that, workouts, family time, appointments, and working with the youth in my church i rely on my family to cook my meals. not a good thing. don't get me wrong the food is great and delicious, i love it. but a lot of the things aren't healthy. so.. i talked to my trainer about it. we discussed a new diet plan. and it scares me. it is so limited. i have been reading a lot on blogs and what not about girls in my same shoes that just changed to eating clean and that it made all the difference. that there was no calorie counting just being healthy, watch what you eat and don't eat high fats or processed foods. i think this might be a good solution. so with that, i am going to try it out. i set a goal with my trainer to be down 8 pounds by the end of may. Yep. 31 days. about 1.5 pounds a week. first thing on my list to cut out is diet coke. i love it but it is killing me. it does nothing for me. now, i am sure that no one wants to hear about my workouts, food battles and who knows what else.. so i am going to start another blog here, that i will try and update often with pictures and workouts and what kinds of things i am trying to eat. if you want to follow it, check it out, ignore it or join in, feel free. the more the merrier.

the end.